Hearing and Listening! Many Relationships fall apart because they HEAR but don't LISTEN.

Many people assume that listening and hearing are one and the same. However, there is a big difference between the two.
Unless they were born deaf or became deaf at some point in life, many people have no problems of hearing words being said.
Unfortunately, the ability to hear doesn't guarantee understanding of what is being heard(listening).


Many marriages fall apart as both husband and wife simply don't communicate effectively. While they hear each other talk, they lack comprehension in what is spoken(listening). Family communication skills are often lacking in many marriages.

Listening requires an active approach to ANY conversation.


Hearing is only done by the ears as sound waves hit the cochlea that translates sound into nerve impulses that the brain can process in accordance with language skills.


Listening, however, requires concentration on what is spoken.

The brain needs to be engaged in the act of listening, otherwise the sound it receives makes no more sense than the traffic noise!


Good communication requires the ability to hear along with the skill to pay attention so that words make sense.

Communication is built on three premises. First comes the hearing where I suppose everyone does!
Then comes the ability to listen. This requires more use of the mind to be able to process information. This skill is absolutely necessary and especially in marriage, for without it many relationships end up broken.
Fewer people posses this ability as they never learned the skill to listen properly. Lastly comes the mind itself.

Hearing and listening can't work if someone speaks a language that the recipient doesn't know.
Many people listen quite well, but heavy accents and words being spoken too rapidly cuts down on the communication.
In the later case, the problem is not so easy to resolve. No one has the time or inclination to learn language ever spoken or would sit patiently listening to a speaker that slurs words to incomprehension.

Fortunately, listening can be improved in a  relationship  through  simple techniques:

•  PAY ATTENTION.

Distractions make listening difficult. Children running about, the television and stereo blaring or the sight of a gorgeous girl all draw attention away from any conversation.

•  LISTEN WITH AN OPEN MIND.

The fact is that biases and personalities clash from time to time. Everyone sees the world in a different way. A conversation can't get very far if one or two of the participants insist on basing their talk on their personal arguments.So for a communication to be complete one has to have an open mind to be able to listen to what the other is saying.

• SHOW THAT YOU'RE LISTENING

 Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention.

~Nod occasionally.
~Smile and use other facial expressions.
~Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting.
~Encourage your partner to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and uh huh.

• PROVIDE FEEDBACK

Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what you hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.

• Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is." and "Sounds like you are saying." are great ways to reflect back.
• Ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say." "Is this what you mean?"
• Summarize the speaker's comments periodically.

For a health relationship learn to be a good listerner not only a hearer!



Have a Great Day!

Minna Matee(Firmina)
Email: firmina.matee@gmail.com